Posts Tagged ‘what not to do during divorce’

The Most Common Mistakes To Avoid When Getting A Divorce

Monday, January 8th, 2018

Just like many other things in life, there are many myths and tips about divorce that are shared and fly around, most of which are unsubstantiated, and if followed, can lead to disastrous mistakes – sometimes with permanent consequences. What might have worked for your friend that just got divorced may or may not work for you, and if they aren’t a divorce attorney, it is probably best to take what they say with a grain of salt. With that being said, although most divorces have their own twists and variables, the divorce system has been in place for a while, and there are a few general guidelines that anyone getting a divorce should adhere to. Here are 3 common mistakes that you would be wise to avoid making:

  1. Don’t act on emotion.

I want to start with this mistake because I don’t only feel it is the most present mistake in almost every divorce, but also I feel it is the one that often has the most short-term impact. The divorce process is going to make you feel a range of emotions, most of them “negative”, like anger, fear, resentment, and I find rage to be a common one as well. However, these emotions need to be kept out of negotiations, because they only serve to cloud your mind and prevent you from amicably coming to an agreement. Moreover, it is important to carry yourself in a manner that doesn’t lead the court to have a cause for concern. For example, if you and your spouse have a toxic and rather aggressive relationship, it is feasible that you might get into a text/email exchange, and before you know it, you are writing profanity-ridden messages that they can then bring to court and portray you as a raving lunatic. If you have children, and want to be awarded custody, an incident such as this can hurt your chances.

  1. Being stubborn beyond reason.

For some, the idea of compromising and meeting their spouse halfway in negotiations sounds absurd (especially if you feel that they never met you halfway). But let’s face it: you are going to get nowhere if you are unwilling to even consider what you soon-to-be ex has to say in terms of negotiations, and unless you want to spend months upon years in litigation battles and spend a fortune on legal fees, its time to put down your fists and work towards some kind of middle ground. Not only will it help the entire process move along much faster, but the court, and hopefully your spouse, will see that you are willing to cooperate, and might be more willing to give you some of what you are looking for. Also, your children will benefit by a speedy divorce process that isn’t filled with drama and repetitive battles.

  1. Retain a divorce attorney.

I’ve spoken about it before in my article titled “Why You Have To Think Twice About Doing A Do-It-Yourself Divorce”, but I will repeat it again. Short of using a mediator to settle your divorce, representing yourself in a divorce trial is a terrible, terrible idea. To drive this point home, most divorce attorneys will not represent themselves in their own divorce, because they understand how poorly it can turn out (talk about practicing what you preach!). There are so many documents that need to be filed with the court, so many records that you need to both send to and receive from your spouse’s attorney, and so much legal jargon you would need to be familiar with, you really are better off retaining a divorce attorney to handle this for you. These can be difficult enough when you aren’t dealing with an emotional roller-coaster, so throw in all the sleepless nights and erratic feelings, you are bound to make many, many mistakes, and the divorce proceedings are the very last place you can afford to be misrepresented, and to be making mistakes that may not be fixable later on.

10 Things To Never Do During Divorce

Tuesday, December 29th, 2015

As a general rule, you should really try to refrain from the following 10 detrimental, and unfortunately common, things that spouses will do during the divorce process.

  1. Do not try to use the court and your meetings with the judge as a battleground for you to try to “expose” your ex, or put them in a bad light in front of everyone. It will only make you look bad and put you in a worse position with the judge than your ex is.
  2. Do not take an all-or-nothing stance when it comes to negotiating and finalizing divorce agreements. Being “branded” as someone who isn’t willing to cooperate unless they “get their way” is another way to hurt your image in front of attorneys and judges. Don’t think emotionally; be reasonably flexible so that you can move forward to the more important aspects of the divorce process.
  3. If there are children involved, make sure you put their interests and needs before your own, as they are just as effected, if not more so, by this divorce as you are, and its important not to let them fall to the wayside.
  4. Do not excommunicate your ex, as much as you may hate them or dislike speaking to them. It undermines the settlement process significantly, as well as prolongs it, which just costs you more money. And, if there are kids, it is imperative that you and your ex are on speaking terms- for their sake.
  5. Making wild accusations will also not help your cause, especially if they are fabricated, which is common. This severely cripples your reputation in the eyes of the judge, and your ex’s attorneys may seek to manipulate this to their advantage.
  6. Contrary to number 5, if you have legitimate accusations to make, don’t keep them to yourself. Don’t keep what you know to be as true to yourself.
  7. Remember, there is no point in trying to portray yourself as completely innocent with regard to why the marriage has come apart. It takes two individuals to get married, and both you and your ex played a role in its undoing. The court knows that no one is perfect; in fact, they detest those who try to convince them of otherwise.
  8. Emotions can often wreak havoc with the more mindful and rational parts of our brain. Often, a result of this is paranoia, especially with regard to your ex. For instance, just because you are getting divorced, there isn’t necessarily any ill-will toward you, and they aren’t out to ruin the rest of your life. Let your lawyers do their job, which is to collect the facts and present them as such. They have the advantage of not being emotionally-invested like you and your ex, so they should be trusted with the important decision-making responsibilities.
  9. Although this is the end of the marriage, it doesn’t necessarily have to be the end of the relationship. In fact, regardless of whether or not there are kids involved, you should be very open to ending on good terms with your ex. And if there are children in the marriage, it really helps their future growth and development to have two loving parents in their life who get along and can communicate well with each other.
  10. If you are not the Plaintiff (the one who initially filed for divorce), retain council right away, or at the very least meet with a few divorce attorneys and prepare yourself. Don’t expect that your ex will change their mind, or that if you beg, cry, and offer more, that you can swoon them into coming home. Collect yourself, and take action by getting a a good attorney.